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When A Man Exhales
by Chester L. Jones
Introduction
If you have reached a point where every time your wife or girlfriend speaks to you, you would like to respond with “Will
you just shut up?”—this book is for you. If she’s talking and all you hear is Charlie Brown’s teacher’s
voice, wonk-wonk- wonk-wonk, perhaps you should read on.
I want this book to be a fun outlet for men to scream freely for a change. We generally hold back, go to the
garage, and bitch under our breath. We know if we respond in the manner and with the words we would like
to use, it will only exacerbate the problem, until we find ourselves no longer
discussing the original issue, but the new issue—which is how we responded to the original issue.
Boys’ Night Out
Boys’ night out is always special because,
as men know, it must be planned days, even weeks, before it actually occurs. A number of steps must be taken that lead
up to actually going out. I like to call them the 6-Step Escape Sequence.
I tell
my wife that it seems like she always seeks to dismantle any situation that she does not control directly. When the woman
wants to go somewhere or do something, do we care, men? Does she have to handle us with the kid gloves of the 6-Step
Escape Sequence? The answer is a resounding “No”! Why is that, men? Because we don’t care about the
situation or the control. It is just not a big deal to us.
Ugh, Work Was Horrible Today
I hate to say it, but here’s a news flash: work is horrible for you every day my love. This is amazing to
me. Just about all the men I’ve talked with have commented that their significant other displays this behavior. Every
evening at my house is the same. The wife arrives home, and I greet her with the customary, “Hello, how was your
day honey?” Then I brace myself for another dismal report on how screwed up everything is. How her boss said “Good
morning” to her in a strange way today, so she is wondering what the hidden meaning is.
Back in 1987,
You…
Boy, talk about a memory like an elephant. Men, have you ever been in an
argument with her to find yourself totally blind-sided by something that happened twenty years ago?
Talk Talk Talk Talk
What I refer to here is
the undying need women seem to have for hearing voices, and the inescapably bad timing they have for really wanting to talk
when you are really, really preoccupied. Like during Monday night football or the night you and the kid decide to watch the
History Channel’s History of the Handgun. My wife can’t believe that if I’m not babbling with her
about why the sky is blue, or how something made me feeeel, there must be something wrong, something not right in
our lives.
However, there are equally tough times
for us men. For example, a man knows there is trouble when she stops talking. It’s like the clock ticking on the
wall. You might not always pay it much attention, but you are always acutely aware that it is there and running.
You Don’t Find Me Sexy Anymore,
Do You?
It
is really simple: just come to bed butt-ass naked sometimes, dig out the lingerie, and do a little dance. Smile!
The direct approach is all you need. Walk in the house and tell your man to get his butt upstairs and show you what he’s
made of, or walk into the living room and let him know you are ready for a
little something to happen right there and right then, and I can almost guarantee he will
cover you like warm syrup over panty cakes. Oh, sorry, I meant like warm syrup over pancakes…
Do These Pants Make My Ass Look Fat?
Men, The answer is: “Your ass doesn’t
look fat.
You Don’t
Understand – There Is so Much to Do
How is there so much to do that you can’t get any of it finished,
put behind you, and out of your mind? What is it, ladies? Do you build up the tasks in your mind and make their weight so
great that they overwhelm you?
She is continually working on the laundry, running the
washer and dryer, and complaining every day about how much there is to do and how he helps with nothing. I told him my wife
did the same thing, and I was not sure that she could understand how simple it looked to a man to manage the laundry. Just
stop washing the clothes every day!
When You Travel for Work Versus When She Travels for Work
...the client might plan a team event
or outing, and what the hell! You might want to do something besides sit in the hotel room. Here are some of the comments men
say they hear from their wives:
11+4=8
What? Where did the internal calculator go? It doesn’t mean she
is incapable of balancing the checkbook, or that she has lost some faculty she once had. However, it does seem she has lost
the will and fortitude to get it right.
Now,
I am sure many men have as much trouble as women do when it comes to balancing the checkbook, but I want to point out why
she can’t resolve the problem. Although men might be just as bad at keeping the books straight, we are far better at
generalizing the numbers
I Never Get Anything I Want
Look
around and see how much you have now and how good your life is. Look around and see what we’ve accomplished together.
Please don’t mistake me here – I am not saying that just because your man buys you something, you should
be happy and shut up. What I am saying is that all the stuff we have, the vacations we take, the school we put the kids
in, is all because, at the time, you said it was what you wanted, and needed to be happy. So get happy, please!
Appendix 1 Things He Should Remember
1. If you really want something, get a neighbor or a friend to suggest it. As
long as you are not the one suggesting it, then it may happen.
Appendix 2 Things She Should Remember
2. When I say I will only be gone for
a short time, or that it should take Buddy and I an hour to fix the car, please understand that either of those could potentially
mean most of the day.
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